Yes-in less than 2 years I will be the 3-0 and the so-called baby clock is ticking. But if I’m completely honest-I don’t care, and why should I?
We aren’t married.
You don’t have to be married to have children, but we would like to be. We haven’t set a date yet and only have looked at one venue. I am more concerned with Dave finishing his PhD dissertation and finding a job. I want us to being able to have more money and take our time planning to really enjoy the process together-not me with the process alone.
Before Dave and I got engaged, I was antsy and really wanted him to ask me. I mean-we had been dating for 10 years and I wanted the official “we are engaged” status even though we were already pretty much married. I had told him that I didn’t need to get married right away-we could have a long engagement until we felt financially stable and ready. And I wasn’t lying when I said that. So-that is what we are doing. The plan is that Dave finishes his dissertation, gets a job and then we can start some wedding planning.
I am not ready for kids.
Once we do get married, we want to be selfish with our time-travel a bit (hello honeymoon!) and enjoy time together that isn’t work. Most weekends these days have some sort of work aspect to them for us. Dave has to do research to help him write his dissertation. And I usually find something to fill my time with-working on my blog, career development, or another random challenge I want to tackle. Although there are people out there who do plan a wedding, build their career and have kids at the same time while one person is still in school-we don’t want it to be that way for us.
Is it wrong for me to want to enjoy my time for me and Dave while we are young? I can’t train for and achieve that men’s Boston Marathon qualifying time of 3:05 if I’m taking care of a baby! Some people could-but I know that I can’t! I know that once you have kids, things change. You still enjoy life and parents would probably argue you enjoy it more-but let’s be honest, priorities change.
We want to save money.
We don’t have a house because we can’t afford one. Sometimes people complain about paying for their mortgage and they don’t realize that-in a way-I am jealous of a mortgage! Because that means you could afford and have your own house! We would like to try to save to be able to some day afford one and having a kid definitely will make saving more difficult.
Worst case scenario-what if for some reason Dave can’t did a job for a long time? If we did get a house and had a child-we would depend only on my income. Again-there are people out there that do it either because that is what they want to do or because they just have to do it. But that’s not how we want to do it if we have some control over it.
I want to adopt.
I do realize that as you get older your body changes and it can be more difficult to have kids. I would love to go through pregnancy and see what little creature Dave and I would make, but I am somewhat okay if that is not possible. Ever since I was a child, I knew that when I grew up I wanted to adopt at least one child. I was adopted and was given so many opportunities to capitalize on. I want to give another child that same opportunity and more. So if for some reason the choices in the timeline Dave and I have made result in me unable to carry a child-we will still have a child, and that child will be ours no matter what genes he or she has.
Am I angry at the world because I feel like I need to be making babies?
I was inspired to write this post because a few people have actually said I am getting old and need to think about kids because of the risks. I also have a lot of friends in their mid 30’s who are getting a lot of pressure from friends and even strangers about them not having children.
I am in no way angry at those people or offended. I am proud of where I have gotten and where I am going. I would not change any second of my life. I just wish people would understand that there are people out there that don’t follow the “standard” timeline that a person “should”.
The purpose of this post is to get people thinking about what they say to that woman who doesn’t have a child. What good does it do to tell a woman that she is getting older and her ability to bear children is decreasing? What if that woman has been trying and actually can’t have children but she has not told anyone?
To think even bigger-just in general-think about what you say to someone who is in a different phase of their life. We all are in different phases of our life with our own challenges. People with kids can enjoy the joys of children and challenges that come with them and those who don’t have children have their own challenges, successes and joys in life. We know a person from the outside, but we don’t know the challenges that person is facing that they don’t share.
Will I change my mind?
I acknowledge that in a year I could completely change my mind and want a kid ASAP-especially having all my friends with their wonderful little children (especially my godson Max). But for now Dave and I will be taking our sweet time.
Questions for you
Have you ever felt that you couldn’t relate to someone because they were in a different stage of their life?
Do you ever feel like people try to compare lives too much like it’s a competition?
Do you ever feel pressured to “keep up with the Joneses”?